Gen Z Quits Church After Learning He’s A Sinner (Satire)

ST. LOUIS, MO — In a move that has both baffled and amused the congregation of St. Peter Lutheran Church (LCMS), local Gen Z Josh Thompson has dramatically quit the idea of church after the shocking revelation that he is, in fact, a sinner.

The bombshell dropped during a recent Sunday service when Rev. Harold Schmidt delivered a sermon on Romans 3:23, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Josh, who had been visiting St. Peter Lutheran Church for a few weeks, was reportedly blindsided by the notion.

“I was sitting there, listening to Pastor Schmidt talk about sin, and it hit me like a ton of bricks,” Josh recounted, visibly distressed. “I mean, I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty good guy. I recycle, I’ve gone vegan for the environment, and I even retweet social justice posts. How can I be a sinner?”

Witnesses describe the scene as surreal. Just moments after the sermon concluded, Josh stood up and loudly declared, “I refuse to be part of a community that labels me a sinner!” and stormed out of the sanctuary, leaving the congregation in stunned, awkward silence.

Pastor Schmidt, a seasoned LCMS pastor, was taken aback by the dramatic exit. “I’ve preached on sin countless times,” he said, shaking his head. “I know the concept of sin is controversial in our culture, but it’s literally in the Bible. I never thought someone sitting in the pew—visitor or no—would be so flabbergasted by this fact.”

The incident sparked a wave of mixed reactions. Lydia Carson, a Gen Z member of the church, expressed her support for Josh’s decision. “Labels are so harmful,” she said. “If Josh identifies as sin-free, we should respect that. Who are we to judge?” When asked why she continues to attend the church if she thinks that way, she simply stated, with crossed arms, “My parents make me go.”

Meanwhile, the older members of the congregation, who have sat through countless sermons on the topic, were more bemused than anything. “Kids these days,” chuckled Mildred Johnson, a 78-year-old lifelong member. “Back in my day, we just accepted we were sinners and moved on. It’s kind of the whole point of the Gospel, isn’t it? The Gospel is for sinners.”

Social media has predictably exploded with opinions on the matter. Twitter user @TheologicalThrowdown retweeted, “Gen Z: can’t handle the truth. #SinnerGate.” Another user, @EternalOptimist, wrote, “Someone tell Josh that admitting we’re sinners is step one to receiving grace. #SinnerSelfCare.”

In a bid to reach out to the disillusioned youth, Pastor Schmidt held an impromptu Q&A session after the service. “We all need to understand that acknowledging our sinfulness is part of the Christian journey,” he explained. “It’s not about condemnation but about recognizing our need for Christ’s forgiveness. It’s a fundamental part of our faith, not a personal attack. That’s why we say 1 John 1:8-9 literally every Sunday in our liturgy, ‘If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Despite these efforts, Josh remains resolute. “I’m exploring other spiritual communities,” he announced in a TikTok video. “Maybe something more affirming, like a group meditation circle or an astrology club. Anywhere that doesn’t label me as inherently flawed.”

In an ironic twist, Josh has since been spotted reading self-help books that emphasize accepting oneself, flaws and all. He has yet to realize the uncanny similarity between this message and the Christian concept of grace.

As the dust settles, St. Peter Lutheran Church continues its weekly services, praying for Josh and others like him who struggle with the challenging but essential truths of the faith. Pastor Schmidt remains hopeful. “I’ll just keep doing what I was called and ordained to do—preach the Gospel,” he said. “And maybe, just maybe, Josh will realize that the message of sin is actually a message of hope.”

For now, the congregation waits with bated breath to see where Josh’s spiritual journey will lead him next. One thing is certain: the church remains steadfast in its mission, navigating the modern age one misunderstood sermon at a time.