WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what can only be described as the ultimate showdown of questionable choice, the nation is gearing up for the upcoming 2024 election where citizens must decide between two titans of controversy: Joe Biden and Donald Trump. This election cycle, fraught with existential dread and infinite memes, has voters pondering whether to choose evil or the lesser evil.
“Choosing between these two feels like picking between stepping on a Lego or stepping on a tack,” said local voter Nancy Whitman, summing up the nation’s collective sentiment. “Both are painful, but one is just slightly less excruciating.”
The Biden camp is pushing the message of experience and empathy, reminding voters that “Uncle Joe” is a steady hand in turbulent times, despite sometimes appearing confused about what day of the week it is. “We need a leader who can navigate international diplomacy, even if he occasionally forgets where he is,” said Biden’s campaign manager. “Besides, who else will give us an endearing gaffe every week?”
Meanwhile, Trump supporters are rallying behind the promise of a return to the “glory days” of brash tweets and unpredictable press conferences. “Who needs coherent policies when you can have a leader who’s not afraid to annihilate America’s enemies,” said a trump fan, “plus the excitement of wondering what he’ll say next? The man’s an entertainment machine. It’s like having a reality TV star in the White House. Oh, wait…”
Voters are torn. Do they want a façade of stability peppered with moments of dementia, or do they crave the rollercoaster ride of shock and awe in the form of mean tweets? “It’s like choosing between reheated leftovers or a fast food mystery meal,” quipped political analyst Tom Drayton. “Neither is particularly appetizing, but both are equally capable of giving you food poisoning.”
Caught in the crossfire are the third-party candidates, who, as usual, are largely ignored like the salad bar at a BBQ joint. “We’re here too!” shouted We The People candidate, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who was promptly drowned out by the collective groan of a nation resigned to its binary fate.
Amid the chaos, one voter, Jim Matthews, offered a sage perspective. “Besides voting for a less popular party, people forget the right to vote also means you reserve the right not to vote. That is a valid option to express your voice.” His words immediately sparked a debate on whether abstinence can be patriotic or is just plain lazy.
“People keep talking about choosing the lesser evil,” he added. “But whether you choose the greater or the lesser evil, you’re still choosing evil. So, why choose evil at all? Why not choose good?”
As the election looms closer, the nation remains divided. Will they choose the evil they know or the lesser evil they kind of know but still makes them cringe? This election will be one for the history books, if only because future generations will need a cautionary tale of how not to do democracy.
In the end, it seems the only real winner is Netflix as Americans flock to binge-watching anything to distract them from the political reality show playing out in real time.
“Maybe next season we can get a new cast,” said voter Lucy Harmon wistfully as she clicked Play on yet another episode of The Great British Baking Show.
The Lutheran Column 
Okayy, had me at the real winner is Netflix. Hilarious😂
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