Someone requested I write a toilet paper psalm, so I did. This is a satire.
O Toilet Paper, in you I take refuge;
save me from these diseased knaves,
lest when I have need to defecate,
my bowels aren’t torn asunder.
Though I plunder the Walmart temple
without cause, or concern for my fellow man,
arise with your soft fabric upon my cheeks,
that I may feel your fluffy presence!
Lift up your papery smoothness
against the fury of COVID-19!
Let all the people assemble around you
for the sake of your supple judgement!
I give to you the thanks
due your pliable name.
Hear the praises of my grunts
as my ass sits atop its throne!
The Lutheran Column 