Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy to Change ‘Star Wars’ to ‘Pride Wars’ (Satire)

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a galaxy not so far away, after a rise in the inclusion of pronouns and female leads in the beloved Star Wars franchise, President Kathleen Kennedy has announced a groundbreaking rebranding of Star Wars to Pride Wars, emphasizing that representation and inclusivity are the true principles the Force utilizes to bind the universe together.

“We’re not just telling stories anymore,” Kennedy declared at a press conference. “We’re building a universe where every character is a beacon of diversity, and every plotline is a journey towards social justice. The Force is now officially gender-neutral and prefers to be referred to as ‘they/them.'”

The rebranding effort, which Kennedy insists is not an attempt to enflame its male dominated audience, promises to introduce a host of new characters and plot twists. “Forget the Skywalkers,” she said. “Meet the Queerwalkers—a family of intergalactic activists who use their rainbow-colored lightsabers to fight against the oppressive forces of the Dark Side, heteronormativity.”

The first installment in the Pride Wars saga, titled A New Day, A New Pronoun, will follow the adventures of protagonist Alex Queerwalker, a non-binary pansexual Jedi who struggles to find their place in the universe. Accompanied by their trusty sidekick, R2-Queer2, Alex battles the evil forces of the Cisempire, led by the sinister Darth Binary.

“We’ve hired a team of writers who are experts in crafting universes that prioritize inclusivity over coherence,” Kennedy explained. “Every scene is meticulously designed to ensure no viewer feels excluded, even if they have no idea what’s going on.”

Kennedy also revealed that the iconic opening crawl will be replaced with a trigger warning and a list of preferred pronouns for each character. “We want to make sure everyone feels safe and represented from the very first frame,” she said.

While many fans have expressed concerns that the focus on LGBTQIA+ propaganda will overshadow the story, Kennedy reassures them there will still be plenty of action. “Expect thrilling battles where characters debate the ethics of space capitalism and engage in epic dance-offs at the Intergalactic Pride Parade,” she said.

The merchandising for Pride Wars is already in full swing, with action figures that come with customizable pronoun stickers and a range of rainbow-colored lightsabers. The legendary Millennium Falcon has also been revamped with a new paint job featuring every color of the spectrum and will now be referred to as the “Millennium Fabulous,” piloted by Pan Solo.

Kennedy concluded the press conference with a powerful message: “In Pride Wars, love wins, diversity reigns, and the Force is fluid. May the Pride be with you, always.”

Critics, however, remain skeptical. “I just want a good story,” said one long-time fan, shaking his head. “But I guess I’ll give Pride Wars a shot. As long as they don’t turn Chewbacca into a vegan influencer, I might survive.”