ST. CHARLES, MO — In a move that has left the congregation of St. Mark Lutheran Church (LCMS) shaking their heads in bemused disbelief, local Lutheran 22-year-old Karen Harmon has officially declared preference for contemporary worship music over the traditional liturgy. Karen, a self-proclaimed Swifty, insists that the path to spiritual enlightenment lies not in solemn, outdated hymns and boring liturgical chants, but in an emotional experience.
“I mean, who wants to drone on with ‘A Mighty Fortress Is Our God’ when you could be belting out music that sounds more familiar?” Karen asked, strumming her acoustic guitar in the church parking lot. “When I walk into a church, I want to feel like I’m walking into a Taylor Swift concert. I want the lights, the fog machines, the whole shebang. It’s like, if you’re not getting goosebumps, lifting up your hands, or even crying, are you even worshiping?”
Karen’s sentiments have sparked a wave of controversy among the more confessional members of St. Mark Lutheran Church. “We’ve been singing these hymns for centuries,” said Kevin Sunleaf, a lifelong member of the church. “They connect us to our heritage and to Christians around the world, and they have deep, meaningful theology that actual teach and inform our faith. I just don’t see how singing ‘how great is our God’ fifty times straight fits into a Sunday service.”
Unfazed by the criticism, Karen has been lobbying the Parish Planning Council to replace the organ with a full rock band setup. “Imagine ‘Blank Space’ as a call to worship,” she suggested, eyes gleaming with excitement. “And for the sermon, we could have Pastor Friedrich come out like a rockstar—with a headset mic and a leather jacket. Now that’s how you draw a crowd! Imagine how many new members it’d bring!”
Pastor Friedrich Svensson, known for his deep love of the liturgy and his impressive collection of stoles and chasubles, refuses to cater to Karen’s enthusiasm. “I’m all for engaging the youth,” he said, adjusting his reading glasses. “But we leave that up to the Word of God when and where the Holy Spirit wills. God’s Word has been doing just fine in that regard since the dawn of man. And I fail to see how Taylor Swift’s song, ‘Bad Blood,’ will help anyone meditate on the Eucharist. Karen keeps talking about ‘making worship fun,’ but I’m pretty sure God would not approve of a mosh pit in the sanctuary.”
Some younger members of the church are intrigued by Karen’s ideas. “I mean, it’s different, but kind of cool,” said 16-year-old Emma Larson. “Church has always been kind of boring, you know? If we can worship with songs that are actually on my Spotify list, I might actually come more often.”
Yet most of the youth are put off by her ideas. One young member, 14-year-old Charlotte O’Reilly, commented, “Why would I want my church’s music to sound like the rest of the world’s? I get enough of that out there every day. I come to church to find rest in Jesus, not wear myself out with emotional outbursts and sore eardrums.”
Karen has started a petition to rebrand the church’s name to “St. Mark’s Rockin’ Worship Center” and is planning a “Praise & Pop” night, featuring covers of pop songs with vaguely religious lyrics. “I’ve already got a killer version of ‘You Belong With Me’ lined up,” she boasted. “Just wait until the bridge. It’s going to be epic.”
When asked about this, Pastor Svensson chuckled and said, “She doesn’t know how our church governance works. Nothing will come of the petition; that’s not how changing the name of a congregation works, and she will be quite surprised to find the church doors will be locked for her ‘Praise & Pop’ night. I told her the doors will be locked, but she doesn’t seem to believe me.” He shrugged. “If it means I lose one or several members, well, that’s just the cost of faithfulness.”
As the congregation tries to ignore Karen’s enthusiastic musings, many are expecting a division to occur, possibly leaving the church to start their own that meets Karen’s dreams of a more entertaining church experience in an age of entertainment.
Will the worship wars ever cease? It seems doubtful, for as long as Karen and her sympathizers have a guitar, a playlist of pop hits, and a burning desire to turn the Divine Service into a mini-Coachella, St. Mark Lutheran Church and others like it will remain a battleground of hymns versus modern tunes.
The Lutheran Column 