CHICAGO, IL — In an unsurprising turn of events, Pastor Mildred “Milly” Walker of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA) delivered a sermon last Sunday that left her congregation both enlightened and bewildered. Preaching from the heart and armed with her trusty Inclusive Bible Translation, Pastor Milly declared, “Homosexuality is not a sin because Jesus never talked about it. Therefore, it must not be sinful!”
This bold proclamation has sent shockwaves through the pews of Tolerance Lutheran Church, with reactions ranging from enthusiastic agreement to incredulous head-scratching.
“I always knew Pastor Milly was ahead of her time,” said devoted parishioner Sarah Mabelson, who was seen nodding vigorously during the sermon. “I mean, if Jesus didn’t say it directly, how important can it really be? And I’ve checked; there’s nothing in the red letters about it!”
Meanwhile, in the back of the church, an elderly man identified only as Mr. Jensen was seen muttering to himself. When approached for comment, he squinted over his glasses and said, “I could’ve sworn that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”
The true climax of the day’s drama, however, came from Dorothy Higginbotham, the resident church historian and occasional knitting circle coordinator. Dorothy, who is well-known for her extensive collection of biblical commentaries and her infamous raisin cookies, stood up and addressed the congregation a the end of the service in a voice that silenced even the rustling of bulletins.
“We confess that Jesus is God, which makes Him the God of the Old Testament incarnate,” she said with the air of someone explaining quantum physics to a toddler. “So, He did talk about it. Also, I’m pretty sure there’s a whole section in Romans…”
Her comments, however, were cut short by Pastor Milly’s quick thinking. “Romans, shmormans! Let’s not get bogged down by the details!” she exclaimed, eliciting laughter and a smattering of applause. “Jesus didn’t write those letters, Paul did! And we all know Paul could be a bit… intense.”
The sermon has sparked a theological renaissance within Tolerance Lutheran Church, with various groups forming to re-examine what other things Jesus might not have mentioned directly, such as fossil fuel vs. renewable energy and whether beans belong in chili. A newly established “Things Jesus Didn’t Say” study group has been poring over the Gospels with a fine-tooth comb, searching for any other potential oversights.
“We’re starting with dietary laws and working our way down to the minor prophets,” said group leader Ted Harkin. “So far, it’s been very liberating. I’ve always hated Brussels sprouts, and guess what? Jesus never said anything about them!”
As the debate continues, Pastor Milly remains undeterred. “I believe we’re on the cusp of a new era of spiritual freedom,” she said, eyes twinkling with mischief. “Just imagine the possibilities if we only focus on what Jesus explicitly mentioned. Church potlucks will never be the same!”
Pastor Milly immediately ended the interview when the interviewer noted Jesus didn’t say anything about potlucks.
The Lutheran Column 