MUSKEGON, MI — In a bewildering theological standoff that has left her Reformed friends both amused and exasperated, local Reformed woman Betty Brown stubbornly refuses to accept the practice of infant baptism, despite being presented with numerous scriptural passages and historical orthodox arguments.
Betty, a lifelong member of Grace Reformed Church, has always been known for her staunch adherence to sola Scriptura (Scripture alone). However, when it comes to the subject of infant baptism, her hermeneutics seem to take an unexpected vacation.
“John 3:5 says, ‘unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God.’ Sure, that’s baptism,” Betty admitted during a heated Bible study. “But babies? Come on, they can’t even read Calvin’s Institutes yet!”
Her fellow church members have tried their best to reason with her, pointing to verses like Matthew 19:14 where Jesus says, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”
Betty, however, remains unconvinced. “Jesus loved kids, I get it. That doesn’t mean He wanted them dunked in water before they could even say ‘tulip.'”
The discussion reached new heights of absurdity when Betty was confronted with Acts 2:38-39, “Then Peter said to them, ‘Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is to you and to your children, and to all who are afar off, as many as the Lord our God will call.”
One member, John Schultz, emphasized, “And to your children. Not all children are babies, but all babies are children, so baptism must include them. Surely, you can admit this?”
Betty’s response? “Oh, so now we’re just baptizing anyone who happens to be within earshot? That’s a bit of a stretch.”
Despite the mounting evidence, Betty’s skepticism remains unwavering. “I’ve read the Lutheran arguments,” she said, rolling her eyes. “They talk about the covenant and God’s promises like it’s some kind of divine insurance policy. But I refuse to take them seriously. It’s like they’re trying to sell me something. No, Martin Luther, I do not want to extend my warranty on salvation.”
Pastor Scott Knox, Betty’s patient but weary pastor, has spent countless hours attempting to gently guide her toward a more accepting stance. “Betty is a very diligent student of the Bible,” he remarked. “But when it comes to infant baptism, it’s like she’s wearing Anabaptist-tinted glasses. Because of her studiousness, it’s very surprising that she refuses to accept the doctrine because she loves to quote John Calvin on everything, and Calvin was an advocate for infant baptism.”
Even attempts to draw parallels between circumcision in the Old Testament and Baptism in the New Testament have fallen flat (Colossians 2:11-12). “Circumcision was a sign of the covenant,” Betty acknowledged. “But, let’s be honest, it’s a bit of a leap to go from ‘snip-snip’ to ‘splash-splash’ with babies.”
In a last-ditch effort, the church organized a debate between Betty and a local Lutheran pastor, Reverend Brian Wolfe. Armed with theological tomes and a white board, Pastor Wolfe meticulously laid out the historical and biblical case for infant baptism.
Betty’s reaction was as unyielding as ever. “Nice try, Pastor Wolfe. But I’m not buying it. I need my converts to at least be able to recite the Heidelberg Catechism before we break out the holy water.”
Her resistance has made Betty something of a folk hero among like-minded Reformed believers, earning her the nickname “Betty the Baptist.” She wears the title with pride, continuing her crusade against what she calls “baptizing the biblically ignorant.”
As the congregation at Grace Reformed Church continues to navigate the murky waters of theological debate, Betty continues to engage in a roller coaster of interpretive gymnastics and steadfast conviction, often searching #baptizeyobabies in her Twitter search bar to begin heated arguments.
The Lutheran Column 