PLYMOUTH, MI — In a stunning turn of events, Open Skies Community Church, a local non-denominational congregation known for its slogan “No Creeds, Just Deeds,” has issued a public apology after an egregious discovery: the Apostles’ Creed was found on its website.
The ancient creed, which has been a foundation of Christian orthodoxy for centuries, was inexplicably listed under the “Our Beliefs” section, sending shockwaves throughout the creed-averse community.
Standing before a hastily assembled crowd of reporters, senior pastor Jameson Carter looked visibly distressed as he addressed the scandal.
“We are profoundly sorry for this oversight,” Pastor Carter began, his voice trembling with a southern drawl. “Our church has always stood firmly against formal creeds, preferring a fluid, undefined approach to faith. Discovering the Apostles’ Creed on our website is a betrayal of our core values. We are investigating how such an egregious error occurred.”
The revelation has left the congregation reeling. Long-time churchgoer Sandy Nomad expressed her disbelief: “I’ve been a part of this church precisely because we don’t subscribe to some pre-determined, ancient belief system. Finding out we had the Apostles’ Creed on our website felt like discovering a fossil in my vegan soup.”
To rectify the situation, the church leadership has formed an emergency task force dedicated to ensuring that nothing resembling a creed ever appears again. “We are implementing rigorous checks and balances,” stated associate pastor Matthew Lawson. “From now on, our beliefs will be communicated exclusively through interpretive dance and abstract art installations. Words can be so limiting and creedal.”
Church member and history buff David Harper provided context to the congregation’s founding principles: “Our congregation emerged from the desire to be free from all creedal constraints. We cherish ambiguity and the freedom to redefine our beliefs constantly.”
Social media reactions have been swift and relentless. Twitter user @IronyIsRich remarked, “Open Skies Community Church posting the Apostles’ Creed is like a vegan restaurant serving steak. #CreedFail.” Another user, @CircularReasoning, tweeted, “This is why I stick with churches that are upfront about their beliefs. #CreedGate.” Perhaps the most viral tweet was by user @ChurchHistorian1517, “The irony of the #CreedGate is hilarious. ‘No Creeds, Just Deeds,’ they confess. That is literally a creed 😂”
Despite the turmoil, some members have found humor in the situation. Worship leader Jim Michaels laughed, “It’s like we’ve been playing an elaborate game of theological hide and seek with ourselves. Who knew our biggest blind spot was our own website?”
In an effort to prevent further incidents, the church has scheduled a special “Creed-ectomy” service next Sunday, where the congregation will symbolically purge all creeds from their hearts and minds. Attendees are encouraged to bring printed copies of any creeds they may have accidentally embraced, which will then be ceremonially recycled into paper mǎché doves, symbolizing their commitment to non-dogmatic spirituality.
Pastor Carter ended the press conference on a hopeful note. “This has been a humbling experience,” he said. “But we will emerge stronger and more undefined than ever. Our mission remains clear: we believe in nothing concrete, except our unwavering commitment to avoiding structured belief systems.”
As Open Skies Community Church moves forward, they are more determined than ever to navigate the murky waters of faith without the anchor of creeds.
The Lutheran Column 