SEATTLE, WA — In a ground-breaking development in the world of obstetrics and identity politics, local woman Lisa Dukeman, who is visibly nine months pregnant, has declared she is not actually pregnant until she identifies as such.
“It all started when I noticed my pants wouldn’t button and I had a strange craving for pickle-flavored ice cream,” Lisa explained to reporters while rubbing her sizable belly. “I went to my doctor, who claimed I was expecting a baby in just a few weeks. But I realized, who is he to tell me if I’m pregnant? I haven’t even identified as pregnant yet.”
Lisa’s announcement has sparked a frenzy of debates, social media outrage, and even a few supportive memes. Proponents of Lisa’s stance argue that pregnancy, like many aspects of human experience, is a state of mind and personal identity as an expression of one’s true self. Detractors, on the other hand, have expressed concern for the safety of Lisa’s unborn child, whom they claim is already on its way regardless of Lisa’s current identity status.
“I mean, sure, there’s a lot of kicking around and movement going on in there,” Lisa admitted, “but until I say it’s a baby, it could just be really intense gas.”
Dr. Richard Thornton, Lisa’s baffled obstetrician, was left scratching his head. “We’ve been monitoring the baby’s heartbeat and development for months,” he stated. “Medically, she’s in her third trimester. But she insists she’s not pregnant until she identifies as pregnant. I’ve never seen anything like this in my thirty years of practice.”
The situation took an even more bizarre turn when Lisa launched a social media campaign with the hashtag #MyBodyMyTiming, garnering thousands of followers overnight. Her followers, now calling themselves “Supporters of Subjective Pregnancy,” are advocating for changes in the way pregnancy is perceived and documented.
One supporter, Jessica Nolan, shared her thoughts: “I totally get it. I mean, if I don’t feel like I’m having a bad hair day, no matter what the mirror says, I’m not. Why should pregnancy be any different?”
Meanwhile, Lisa’s husband, Tom, has taken a more practical approach. “I’m just here to support Lisa,” he said while assembling a crib. “Whether she identifies as pregnant now or in five minutes when her water breaks, I’m ready.”
As Lisa’s due date looms closer, the world watches with bated breath. Will she identify as pregnant in time for the birth? And if not, how will the hospital staff handle the delivery?
In a recent statement, Lisa reassured her followers, “Don’t worry, everyone. I’m in complete control of my body and my identity. I’ll let you know if and when I decide I’m pregnant. Until then, I’ll just keep enjoying these weird food cravings and the extra attention.”
Hospitals around the nation are reportedly preparing for a potential influx of patients who may or may not identify with their medical conditions, leading to the emergence of a new healthcare policy: “Identify Before You Medify.”
In an ironic twist, Lisa’s unborn child has already been offered a book deal to write a memoir titled Born to Be… Something: My Journey Through Pre-Birth Identity Politics.
For now, all we can do is wait and see how Lisa’s pregnancy, or non-pregnancy, unfolds. One thing is certain: the boundaries of identity have never been stretched this far.
The Lutheran Column 