KENOSHA, WI — In a stunning and unprecedented theological twist, Pastor Sam Powers of New Horizons Lutheran Church (ELCA) has boldly proclaimed that premarital sex is adiaphora—a term used to describe matters neither commanded nor forbidden in Scripture. Despite a wealth of biblical evidence to the contrary, Pastor Sam is on a mission to rewrite the Bible in the concerted effort to make it more accepting of modern lifestyles.
In a sermon that left his congregation both bewildered and bemused, Pastor Sam addressed the topic with a blend of earnestness and audacity seldom seen from the pulpit. “It’s high time we re-examine the so-called prohibitions on premarital sex,” he announced, waiving a well-worn Bible in the air. “The Bible was written in a different cultural context, and it’s clear to me that what we need now is a more inclusive and accepting interpretation. Christianity isn’t about decency; it’s about compassion. In fact, Jesus never addresses premarital sex. Why would God care about this when there are beloved children of God who are starving to death? This outdated teaching is about bending religion to control others.”
While traditional readings of Scripture, such as 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 and Hebrews 13:4, clearly speak against sexual immorality, Pastor Sam is convinced these passages are open to reinterpretation.
“When Paul talks about fleeing from sexual immorality, he’s really talking about avoiding bad relationships,” Pastor Sam explained in his sermon, wearing a tie-dyed stole and Birkenstocks. “Premarital sex can be a beautiful expression of love and commitment, as long as it’s done responsibly and consensually. And let’s be honest, how many of us really understand what Paul was going on about?”
The congregation sat in stunned silence as Pastor Sam continued, “Look at it this way: Jesus hung out with all sorts of people—tax collectors, sinners, even prostitutes! Do you really think He’d be hung up on a little premarital sex? I mean, come on, He turned water into the strongest wine at a wedding. That’s basically an endorsement of celebrating love in all its forms!”
His argument reached its peak when he suggested a bold, new translation of the Bible. “We need a rewrite, people!” he declared. “The 2024 Revised Progressive Version (RPV) will reflect a more modern, inclusive, and non-judgemental understanding of God’s Word. Premarital sex? Adiaphora. End of story.”
Parishioners’ reactions ranged from supportive nods to wide-eyed disbelief. Church member Linda, who describes herself as “spiritual but not religious,” was thrilled. “Finally, a pastor who gets it!” she exclaimed. “I mean, why should we be bound by the outdated mores of an ancient text? This is exactly what I’ve been looking for in a church.”
On the other hand, longtime member and retired Sunday school teacher, Shannon, was less enthusiastic. “I’m all for love and acceptance,” she said, shaking her head. “But calling premarital sex adiaphora? What’s next, rewriting the Ten Commandments because they’re too judgemental? This is a slippery slope.”
Perhaps the strongest comment comes from an elder who wishes to remain anonymous: “I’ve served as an elder many times throughout my years here. Pastor Sam is teaching clear heresy, and unless he receives ecclesiastical discipline, I’ll be going to another church. Would Jesus be hung up on such a sin? Yes, for He was hung up on a cross for it.”
Despite the mixed reactions, Pastor Sam remains undeterred. “We have to evolve with the times,” he insisted. “The Bible is a living document, and it needs to reflect our current understanding of relationships and love. Plus, let’s be real, if we don’t update our teachings, how are we supposed to attract the younger crowd? They’re all about that Tinder life!”
Social media reactions were predictably swift and varied. Twitter user @BibleThumper99 tweeted, “ECLA pastor declares premarital sex adiaphora—guess the 11th commandment is ‘Thou shalt swipe right!'” Meanwhile, @ProgressiveFaithful tweeted, “Finally, a church that understands love in the 21st century! Go Pastor Sam! #AdiaphoraLove.”
As Pastor Sam continues his crusade to modernize Scripture, the congregation of New Horizons Lutheran Church is left to ponder the implications of his radical reinterpretation, and it doesn’t seem his ecclesiastical superiors are remotely interested in correcting his claims.
The Lutheran Column 